I am kind of done.

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the weekend.  Maybe it’s just the whole transition of the remodel of the house that’s taken place this week that has me taking a step back and contemplate where I am in my life.

It all started on Friday night.  I was meeting my Mom at a restaurant near my office and Friday traffic being what it is, I ended up having to wait about 40 minutes for her.  Now I could have just found a spot on the bar, had a lively conversation with a bartender or other patron while I waited.  But I was doing Whole 30.  No alcohol.  And I just thought it would be weird to sit at a bar for 45 minutes just drinking water – I’ve been that bartender who looks at a seat that isn’t spending money, which means I don’t make money.

So I people watched in the lobby as groups of people came in.  Some were there for baby showers, others just stayed in the bar area drinking wine and cheese.  I saw lots of older couples meeting up with old friends and I am not going to lie, in that minute I REALLY missed Tony.  Not that he would have even met my Mom and me out on a Friday night (he hated going out on Friday nights because of the crowds), but I just realized how much of our relationship I’ll miss the rest of my life.   I remembered our last “date” day together which was literally one month before he died.  We went to wok n fire for lunch and went to see the movies.  I read back that post and I seem like I am just going through the motions of my life, staying Bizzy in the Kitchen, while Tony rests and watches Sunday football.  I couldn’t have possibly known that I’d only have 30 days left with him.  I wish I would have done more, but I thought we still had a lifetime together.

The point of this whole post is that I am done with “diets.”  Over the course of these last 7 years I’ve had this blog, I’ve done just about every possible diet out there.  Weight Watchers. Paleo. Inspiration Diet. Whole 30, just to name a few.  I started this blog weighing in at 168 pounds in September of 2008.  Here it is October of 2015, and I weigh . . .169.  I’ve been up, I’ve been down, and really the only success I had was when I did the 101 Days of Insanity in 2013. 

The bottom line is that at the end of the day, no matter what you do, it’s calories in vs. calories out.  And I looked back on the summer I did Insanity through the beginning of December 2013 when I was down 20 pounds right before I started my second job, and I ate relatively normal food.  I ate pizza, pasta, bread, etc., but the difference was that I took my exercise to the next level and I was able to chip off the weight even while enjoying food. 

When I sat down to dinner with my Mom we started talking about the wine list.  She casually mentioned that she thought this “diet” I was on was weird – without any dairy, beans, etc.  I ended up ordering a glass of wine with her.

And for the first 10 minutes of us sitting down, while we were talking and catching up, in the back of my mind I was telling myself “gosh, you couldn’t even go a week without a glass of wine – you can’t follow through on anything.”  And I was beating myself up for it.  But then I had to stop in my tracks and tell myself to just shut the hell up and enjoy this dinner out with your Mom!  Which is exactly what I did.  And of course my Mom had a great time, I mean, she was with her favorite child and all.

So what does that mean for me now?  I am going to live.  I am going to enjoy the things that I always did in moderation (i.e. wine, pizza, coffee with creamer!) move my body and just be thankful that I get to live another day.  I want to get rid of any negativity I have with food about feeling guilty for eating a piece of cheese, or melting a bit of butter with my mushrooms.  I am lucky that although I do have diabetes, I am controlling it and my body can do anything I ask of it.  I can walk for 45 minutes, I can choose to run if I want, and I can life weights too. 

I am just done with micromanaging every aspect of everything I put in my mouth.  For feeling guilty if I miss a walk at lunch.  I am so over it.   I am going to live my life!

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I had a ton of stuff on my to do list this weekend.  I am normally not a list maker, but I had several things to do around the house in anticipation of the floors being installed this week.  Not only that, but I have an electrician coming in tomorrow morning as well as a plumber, so my house is going to be jumping this week. 

But it was a mixture of “get stuff done” and “treat yo self.”   First order of business was to get my daughter-in-law Lizz’s birthday gifts wrapped and shipped.  I had to pick up my insulin, contacts, get gas, get my car wash and vacuumed.  And then I saw a sign for a garage sale.  Um, treat yo self!  Tia, you will be jealous of the set of four coffee mugs that are the perfect size cup for the Keurig machine.  (Tia loves Halloween!)

And I scored on this Coach wristlet – I paid $10 for it, it looks brand new and it sells for $65 retail.  Treat yo self.

I am getting a new gas grill, but that required me dismantling our old grill.  We bought it probably 10 years ago, and even though it was covered, a lot of the screws were rusted pretty badly.  Of course, with my “I can do it!” attitude, I thought I’d simply remove all the screws and the thing would somehow fall apart in nice little pieces for me to bag up for garbage later in the week.  Um, no.  It was a hot pain in the ass and there were times I literally wanted to chuck it over the side of the deck and see if the fall would break it apart.  But I could hear Tony in my head, suggesting maybe a different tool (I ended up sawing off the gas hose!), and slowly but surely, I got the whole thing apart.  It took me about 75 minutes.  Just when I got the the final panel on the bottom apart, I pulled it up and found one of Tony’s bottle caps under the panel.

It actually made me smile – it was like a sign from him that this would be waiting for me if I finished the project.  It’s corny as hell, I know, but that’s what I’ve got right now.  And for the record, Miller Lite tastes like tap water to me.  Tried as I might, other than Boddington’s or Rolling Rock on Tap, I could not for the life of me get Tony to drink better beer.  So I had one of my own after I finished cleaning off the deck.  Treat yo self.

On Sunday I still had stuff to cross off my to do list:  make granola for my one boss for bosses day because she’s off on Friday’s, finish meal planning, grocery shop, hit up the winter farmers market (I got there 30 minutes before it ended and only two vendors were left!).  Then it was time to treat yo self!  I desperately needed a pedicure – the last one I had was in Virginia in August!  And I knew I had an ingrown toe nail (ew, sorry if you are eating your oatmeal while reading this!) and thought I would just see if the technician said anything.  She started with my toes and said “I take care of this!”  She was wonderful.   When I first sat down I told her I just wanted to get a regular pedicure for $25.  She pointed to the $35 pedicure that included a hot stone message and sea salt scrub, and said “you deserve this one!”  So of course I went with the $35 one.  Treat yo self!  And as always, you are welcome to my mis-matched feet.  I still blame my twin sister for sitting on it when we were womb-mates.

I decided to shop through my freezer/pantry and fridge for my meal plan this week.  I had a rump roast that I bought a couple weeks ago that I never got around to making.  Fall weather = comfort food in my book.  Did you grow up with Sunday dinners?  All I know is that we almost always ate dinner at the dining room table and I have loved these past several months where Hannah, Jacob and I can eat at the dinner table, and not on the couch watching t.v. like Tony and I did nearly every meal for 14 years.  That was probably one of the most things that bothered me about Tony – not wanting to eat at the dining table.

I ended up finding this package of seasoning at Wal-mart of all places.  It was on top of the counter by the deli and it cost $1.99.

I simply seared the pot roast in a bit of olive oil.  All I put on the roast was a bit of pepper and then this seasoning I got from my trip to Denver earlier this year.  Then mixed that packet above with 3/4 cup of water and put that in the bottom of my crock pot.  I realized now that I never added any additional water to the crock pot – it said to add water to cover the beef, but I am glad I missed that part because I got a delicious gravy in the end.  I just added 3 chopped carrots and 4 chopped celery to the crock pot and let it cook on 10 hour setting for about 5 hours – yes, you read that right – I needed to go low and slow and somehow my crock pot runs hot.  I ended up making mashed potatoes on the side and dinner was done.  And the best part?  Hannah would eat that meat because it was fork tender.  #winwin

And when I sat down to this delicious dinner with Hannah and Jacob, I didn’t once feel guilty about it.  I mean, did you feel guilty eating Sunday dinner growing up?  It was typically a more involved meal than the rest of the week and I enjoyed every bite.

So that’s where I am at.  Busy week here at the homestead, and while I first had regrets and guilt for making so many changes after I lost Tony, I kind of think he’s looking down and happy that I have done as much as I have without him.  Because didn’t he always tell me that his only goal was to be happy?   And today I can honestly say, I am happy to be alive.