I have so many things going on in my head lately.  First of all – I want to say that I have loved the 7-day carb cycle this week.  Not only that, but I have not had a glass of wine since a week ago yesterday – I know!  I love my wine, but with this whole carb cycle thing, well, I have to include the alcohol in the meals and pretty sure a mini meal doesn’t consist of three glasses of pinot grigio with a side of cheese and crackers!  Not to say I won’t enjoy a glass now and again, it has to be a special treat and not an every day thing.

Maybe it’s the sober clarity that’s lifting the fog for me.  I’ve been so reluctant to change anything in the house since Tony died, but now that we are coming up on nine months of his passing, I have to remind myself that life is for the living.  As much as I still can’t imagine him not being here, that’s my life.  I’ve had a bunch of new followers on Instagram who’ve scrolled back and are telling me how sorry they are that I lost my husband.  When I read those  comments it makes my heart stop a bit.  Every day there is a reminder to me that he’s not here, and while it sucks, I can’t wallow in wine anymore. 

My co-worker and I were googling names yesterday because it was slow and I told her if you googled my name about a thousand images pop up.  We put her name in and only her Facebook cover picture showed up!  I scrolled down, obviously 80% of the pics are food pics that I’ve had on the blog, but halfway down the page I came upon this picture.

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It’s hard to believe this picture was 15 years ago.  Harder still that this was taken a mere three weeks after we met online and a week before we moved in together.  It just seemed so natural at the time that I really never gave it a second thought that it was unusual that things were moving that fast.  Six months from the date of this picture we were married.  As I start to see the back to school pictures people are posting on Facebook it does make me a bit teary – because I loved the kids that little.  Hannah was 8, Joe was 10.  He was super competitive at board games and I distinctly remember playing Monopoly and Joe telling Hannah that he’d trade her his Mediterranean property for Park Place because he had Boardwalk, and I would try to tell him that Hannah didn’t understand that wasn’t a fair trade and he would get so mad at me. 

Same with Pictionary – OMG, Tony was the worst at guessing, but Joe would draw a line and joint point at the line as if to say “why can’t you guess that this is the Eiffel Tower?!” 

Joe and his wife have been in Austin five years already and he’ll be 26 next month.  It breaks my heart that his Dad won’t be here to wish him a happy birthday this year.  It’s so true what they say – kids do grow up so fast!

My second flashback Friday is this:

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2012 was my summer of Insanity, and by the end of August I was able (well, with the assistance of the wall a bit!) do a handstand because I saw my friend Heather had done one at her cross-fit gym.  While she doesn’t blog anymore I follow her on Instagram and it still inspires me to be like her, even though she’s probably like 15 years younger than me! Open-mouthed smile

Way back when I first started to lose weight (mid-90s) I loved this Irish Cream for my coffee.  Loved it – I probably had six cups of coffee a day with that stuff and probably added so much creamer that you really wouldn’t be able to distinguish there was any coffee in there at all.  I remember thinking to myself, “if only they made this same thing in a fat free version, I’d totally lose the weight!”  So dumb. 

I was watching Chris Powell’s Extreme Weight loss the night before last (spoiler alert!) and he had one contestant that Chris determined didn’t have the motivation to lose weight so he dropped him.  He kept waiting for this guy to reach for him as he left his house saying “I’ll do better!” but he just closed the door behind him.  To Chris’s surprise this guy came back to the finale and actually ended up losing 215 pounds – 90 of which he lost all by himself.  While he realized that he missed out on the opportunity to workout with Chris, it was just the thing that being dropped prompted him to do it all on his own.

I kind of feel the same way right now.  I have no excuses.  I don’t have a sick husband, I am not working two jobs.  No small children.  Chris says that you need three things to work together in order to lose the weight – motivation, food and exercise.  Without one of those you’ll never succeed.  I’ve realized that over the course of the last seven years of this blog I’ve had all of those things at various times, but not all together at once.  Even back in 2012 I started what I called the “Inspirational Diet” and for several weeks I posted videos of people overcoming obstacles that would not only help motivate myself to make better choices, but to also bring inspiration to you.  It’s all been smoke and mirrors – while I was writing that post I was probably sipping a glass of wine and eating pizza.

I know it’s only been less that a week on this lifestyle, but I actually can see myself not only continuing but succeeding.  I am motivated, I am meal planning and I am exercising – all at  the same time.  I want this for myself.  To get to a healthy weight, be a good role model for my daughter and see where this next chapter of my life takes me.  It’s okay for me to be happy even if I have moments of sheer sadness.  The sadness doesn’t last as long as it did before and I just have to be prepared for when it does happen and not keep on hanging on to what I had because, well that’s gone.


So how did my day start yesterday?  Working at the storage unit my office has with my co-worker.  I ate later than I normally did earlier this week because I am eating every three hours, so I thought I planned it right, but we ended up spending more time than I originally realized.   I made sure that I had sunscreen on, but the freckles still came out!  My lips are almost back to normal after getting them burned in Virginia – it just feels like they are chapped all the time so I keep putting stuff on them all day long.  Probably using too much product at this point!

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By the time we got back to the office it was 11:30 and my last meal was at 7:45.   I still ended up going to the gym to get my shredders in for the day – I thought I could do 100 flights of stairs in 30 minutes – I ended up doing 88 so I’ve got a goal to reach 100 now.  Um, I forgot how fucking tiring it is to do the StairMaster for 30 minutes!

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So because of this I ended up skipping one meal and keeping up with the three hour schedule for the rest of the day.  It’s consistency, not perfection, so I did what I could.  In the second picture you can see how my tater tot muffins stuck in the pan – when I reheat these in the office toaster oven, I cook them tot side up and they get super crispy – so good!

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The Italian sausage sammie was delish – Aldi sells a chicken Italian sausage and I had it on a light hot dog bun, my homemade marinara and sautéed peppers.  Even with the cucumbers and strawberries that whole plte was only 271 calories!  And that last pic is a salad I got at a restaurant.  The contractor wanted me to look at replacement windows so he could give me his final detailed proposal before he started the work, so I picked up Hannah and Jacob and we went to the Cary Ale House for dinner.  They love that place and so do I.  They started out with the fried cheese curds with a jalapeno jelly.

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I had two small pieces.  I could have eaten the whole plate!  Also, this place has the best beers on tap.  But it wasn’t my cheat day, so I had to order my food accordingly.  I ended up getting the grilled chicken salad with bacon and half a deviled egg.  They usually have fried chickpeas on this salad which are amazeballs, and I kept thinking I’d run into them on the bottom of the bowl, but they weren’t there and by the time I realized that I was 3/4 of the way done and full.  I told the server and the owner came over and apologized profusely, but I told them no big deal – I’d still be back!

We then went on to look at windows – so many to choose from, some super expensive and would take weeks to order, so I am thinking I am going to go with a standard window that is double hung so I can easily clean the windows.  They won’t be the exact size as my old ones but that doesn’t really matter since my whole front of the house is getting rebuilt.  I emailed the pics to my contractor last night so we’ll see how it goes.  If all goes well construction will start on Monday.  Since all my living room furniture is in the dining room I’ve missed eating at the dining room table.  Helen, you know what I am talking about!

So tomorrow is my first WI, and since I don’t blog on the weekends anymore, you’ll just have to follow me on Instagram (my bizzy kitchen) to see how I did.  Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on Monday!