Tony and I had our first appointment at the Mayo Clinic. It’s hard to fathom how different my life is just 365 days later – not even – Tony died 141 days after our first visit. I try to go back and read my blog posts from that time, but it’s still too hard. I second guess our decisions, wonder what the outcome would have been if we left him there longer. My timehop popped up yesterday and I saw this – my first meal at the Extended Stay America kitchen and the night before our first round of appointments.
Sometimes I just wish I would have known that I’d only have him a few more months in my life, but I can’t second guess what happened. This past weekend I saw a neighbor who lives a couple blocks over who I hadn’t seen since before Tony died. He’d read the obituary in the paper and sent me a nice card. He told me something that was true – that Tony had been through so many medical issues he said he would have been surprised if he survived another one. But in the back of my mind I always knew he got better – even when at times it didn’t seem like he would. Sadly this neighbor’s wife is battling uterine cancer and had her first surgery just a couple weeks after Tony died and is still going through chemo and radiation. I need to make up some batches of my pasta sauce and take them over to them on nights they don’t feel like cooking. I guess in life you just never know what’s going to happen.
I grabbed the last of my blueberry pancakes, but they kind of tasted like ass. They were made last week and I think just being in the fridge they got really dried out. I ended up eating half.
It was super hot when I went on my walk, but I decided to go anyway. No excuses! I saw this on Pinterest yesterday and shared it with my 101 Days of Summer Challengers. I even saved this picture as my wallpaper background so it is a constant reminder.
I was beet red when I got back – so much so that everyone thought I was burnt to a crisp, even though I had 50 spf sunscreen on – it’s just that my face gets so red when I work out, especially when it’s hot and it takes an hour or so to get back to normal. Oh, and I whitened my teeth with picmonkey – wish it was that easy to whiten teeth in real life!
I brought some of the leftover steak from the night before last and made steak and spinach tacos. On the side were hummus cucumbers and lots of cherries. So good! I knew I wanted to go to the gym after work, so I took half the amount of insulin at lunch.
So imagine my surprise when I checked my blood sugar before heading over to the gym??!!
That’s too low to work out for me. Before lunch my blood sugar was 264 and 45 minutes later dropped to 107. And I didn’t want to eat more food in order to work out, so I ditched the p.m. workout. I had already had 10k steps already, so that’s good!
I think I’ve told you that Hannah has a Pinterest board that says “shit I want my Mom to make for me.” It’s nice when I need some ideas for recipe planning! I realized it had been a while since I made falafel – and all three of us love this dish so I need to remember to keep it in the rotation. And since I got home earlier than I would have had I gone to the gym, I decided to make up some homemade naan. This time I used sesame seeds and garlic.
Yep – so tender, light and slightly spicy and delicious. And I may have used a wee little bit of sriracha ketchup on my fries! This was actually so filling I ate just over half before stopping and taking a 10 minute break on eating, and realized I was still pretty full. I took two balls off and will probably have them for lunch today – maybe on tostadas!
I had a good day yesterday food wise even if I didn’t get my second workout in. We had a tornado watch in effect until midnight last night, but it must have blown north or south of us, because we didn’t get anything – it was still 82 degrees when we went to bed last night with 100% humidity. Makes me always happy that when Tony and I were house hunting 14 years ago, we knew we wouldn’t get a house unless in had central air. Best decision ever!
Time to get my ass in gear and get out the door – make it a great day!
Big hug sweetheart. What if is something we all think if something like this happens. You never know but you do know you did all you could for Tony.
Deep down I know that Fran – it’s just hard to come to grips with it is all. I miss my best friend. 🙁
It’s been ages. Glad to see you’re keeping up both the blog and the healthy lifestyle. I’m sorry to read about Tony. Thank you for so honestly sharing your story.
Thanks Michelle – I appreciate it! A couple weeks ago I had a blog reader who hadn’t read in a while ask me a diabetes question, and at the end of her post said “give Tony a great big hug from me.” Brought tears to my eyes instantly. Just trying to keep one foot in front of the other and not trying to drink a box of wine and deep dish pizza every night 😀
I’ve been thinking about you. Some days are harder than others. Kym is right. Don’t second guess and don’t overthink. Tomorrow is a new day. Hugs.
Yep – it’s just weird that the grief can come out of nowhere when I least expect it. Feeling the hugs! 😀
BIG hugs for this “anniversary”.
Thanks Roz – I appreciate it! 😀
Hugs to you Biz. I think the second-guessing and “what-if?” thinking is just part of the deal. That’s grief. As if we have any control. My face gets red like that too….it’s embarrassing! Either from heat or really hard cardio. And finally, it IS that easy to whiten your teeth. Crest white strips – they work. I do mine once or twice a year. Get the one-hour ones (or are they two-hour?) WalMart, Target, Costco…..Maybe a little treat to yourself when you reach your next fitness goal?
I love the idea of treating myself with the whiter teeth when I get to my next goal – thanks Steph – hugs! 😀
I’m so sorry Biz. What a hard anniversary. I am sure there will be a lot of those–“first” so and so without Tony. Big big hug.
I think about this stuff a lot, savoring and cherishing the time you have with friends and family. You just never know. We have a friend who shockingly was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Stage IV, inoperable. He’s doing some treatment (chemo) but the doctors gave him up to 9 months. It’s so hard knowing that time is numbered like that. 🙁
Yep, this year of first is definitely hard – so sorry about your friend with cancer – that sucks, but sadly it takes stuff like that to light a fire under us because no one knows if we’ll even be here tomorrow. Hugs!
Don’t second guess yourself, Biz. What if’s are a waste of our present..I know easier said than done. I actually was just thinking about Tony yesterday; I was going through pinterest and had pinned his video making fried rice. It made me smile 🙂 Big hugs!
Aw, that’s awesome Sam! Hugs 😀
I don’t think anyone ever thinks about their loved one dying. Its really fucking unfair. When I think about you and Jeff and Tom and Carole it makes me want to scream.
Thanks Randi – how is Tom doing?
Not sure, I’ve been so self absorbed with the bar stuff that I havent messaged him or anything. Maybe you can check in with him? I think he’d appreciate that since you both are going thru the same thing.
Hmmmm, your lunch plate doesn’t look like you had enough food on it to keep you blood sugar up. Cucumbers and cherries are not a lot of calories! But you know that.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the what ifs. It’s hard not to, but I think we all agree, you did the best you could at that time. Never forget that.
Thanks Helen – I appreciate it. And yep – cherries usually spike my blood sugar but I guess the protein from the hummus balanced it out somehow – diabetes is so strange – what works one day doesn’t necessarily work the next day 🙁
You really never know how long anybody has left in this world, and I think you’d been lulled into a false sense of security with how Tony managed to come out of some really scary health situations. I think all of us can second-guess our “last” moments with loved ones, but it does no good for them…or us. Hugs.
Thanks Shelley 😀
No, no, no. Don’t you dare. No second guesses or what if’s. You both did the best you could with the information at hand. It is hard to believe the time frame when you break it down by the days.
Try to think of the positive things like the awesome food dish you created from your “extended stay” and the trip you won and the new BFF you made in Sunny Anderson. I know you would trade any of those things to have one more day but Tony will always be with you in your heart.
Thanks so much Kym – I know you are right, it’s just hard to fathom some days. Hugs! And yes, Sunny Anderson is my BFF – she has 55,000 followers on Instagram and follows 362 – and I am one of the 362 😀
nommmm I just saw a recipe for falafel somewhere and started craving it like no other. I’ll have to make some soon + your naan bread!
I’m not gonna lie – That first picture of the potato gnocchi had my mouth WATERING hehe.