I got up an hour before Tony yesterday morning.  Posting my blog, finishing packing the car.  By the time I needed to wake Tony up, the only thing I had left to put the car was basically Tony!

But it was with a mixed heart I had to wake him.  Sound sleep eludes him most days.  He cat naps at best.  Most nights he spends flipping the channels with the sound off in our bedroom, hoping that anything will finally lull him to sleep.  He looked so peaceful that I felt bad that I had to wake him up, but we were on a time schedule – we had to meet his cardiologist in between patients at 2:00 p.m.

We got on the road by 8:30.  I ended up bringing one of my Nature Valley granola bars with me.  I ate half around 8:45, then the other half around 10:00.  At 11:30 I saw a rest stop and saw that the next one wasn’t going to be for 57 miles, so I said “I’ll stop if you don’t mind.”  Tony said “why do you have to stop already, we just left the house 3 hours ago?!”  I didn’t argue, just peed really fast and got back to the car.

I made a sandwich for lunch and thought since we were stopped, I would grab that sammie which was in the cooler in the back of the car, and grab my insulin and put it next to me when I needed to eat.  I brought the two separately packed half sandwiches and set them next to me, and Tony looked down and said “you already ate two granola bars, are you going to eat again?!”

I threw the sandwiches to the back of the car and said “I guess not!” and got back on the highway.  He knows I only get mad when my blood sugar is low, but I was mad about the comment.  WTF?!  Are you calling me fat?  He reached back and handed me a sandwich and said to eat it.  It wasn’t until then that I could detect the sense of urgency in his voice that he just wanted to get to the hospital.  I was so close to just go off and yell “do you think these last three weeks have been easy for me?!”  but I slowed my roll, we both apologized for being on edge and we finished the road trip.

I have to be an asshole to think that a stupid off the cuff comment like that set me off – but in all reality – it’s really hard being the strong one.  And since basically 2007 when Tony first got sick, I’ve pretty much had to be the strong one.  While Tony worries, I am the one who tells him that everything is going to be okay.  But that’s easy coming from me – I am not the sick one, and Tony is the one who’s had to go through all these awful health problems. 

But here’s the other part of shit that I just have to realize.  This is our life now.  My vacation days are not being spent being on a lake fishing with Tony, they are being spent in a hospital, and I just have to stop pining over other peoples Facebook vacation pictures:  boat rides, bonfires, family reunions, farmers markets.  And I need to just focus on the positives that Tony is in the right place at the right time.

When we met the cardiologist last week, Tony had just come out of sedation, and would periodically start to fall asleep while the doctor was talking to us.  I actually thought ahead and downloaded an app that was a tape recorder, and recorded the whole conversation.  I told Tony that I had that when we got home if he wanted to listen to it, but he said it was okay.

So fast forward to yesterday – the doctor took one look at Tony, realized he was retaining too much fluid and wanted to admit him in preparation for his heart biopsy on Thursday.  He picked up the phone to call the St. Mary’s admit desk and starts to speak “I have a 53 year old male in severe heart failure. . . “  I could see by the look on Tony’s face that he was shocked by that.  I knew it.  I offered that information to him and he declined.  But I think if nothing else, he knew coming here was the right thing to do.


I have to say – the process from admitting him all the way through meeting with the heart doctors and starting the IVs was two hours.  TWO HOURS!  That’s amazing.  Joanne (blog reader) you were right that the care here is amazeballs!  And as is the case, I am the sleep whisperer!  And I think his growing in mustache and beard are sexy – salt and pepper hair and all. Open-mouthed smile


Once his diet was approved that he could eat, he ordered his dinner.  I went down to the hospital cafeteria.  There were quite a few people in there, and I have to say, most of the food looked like ass, so I ended up sticking with something that usually is okay – the salad bar.  This salad cost $3.07.


Tony?  He ordered a plain hamburger, red Jell-O and iced tea.  That’s all he wanted.


When we were getting admitted, the person asked if Tony wanted a private room.  She stated that a private room would be an out of pocket expense of $75 a night.  Done.  We have been in shared rooms too many times over the years, from roommates who have their t.v. volume on so high you can’t hear you own t.v., they don’t knew where they are and yell “help!” every few minutes.  Roommates that have coughing fits.  So worth it.  More importantly Tony is worth it!  Just to know that he can be peaceful in a room by himself is all I wanted for him.

And, his room has a gorgeous view!


I finally left around 8 p.m. to go back to the hotel I reserved.   I had to park about 3 blocks from the hospital and I find it interesting that after regular hours, they have an “honor parking” where you take an envelope and put in what you think you owe and leave it in another bin.  Parking is cheap – $2 for the first hour and $1 for each hour after that – I wrapped my parking ticket with a $5 and put it in the bin.



I have to admit, it was weird to be here all by myself.   I ended up falling asleep with the t.v. on because Tony does that at home and it was comforting.  I fell asleep before 11:00 p.m. and just woke up at 8 – nice!

I am off to shower, get some breakfast and head back to St. Mary’s.  Not sure what the day will be like, but you all know I love the emails, comments, etc. about Tony – it’s appreciated more than you know!

And one more shout out to Vote for My Recipe.  If you click on this link, it will take you right to the page to vote – thanks for voting!   My Mom made my recipe last night and texted me “best pork dish ever.  Restaurant worthy!”  Thanks Momma – and I know you are saying that not only because it was delicious, but because I am your favorite, right?!

Make it a great day!