I got up an hour before Tony yesterday morning. Posting my blog, finishing packing the car. By the time I needed to wake Tony up, the only thing I had left to put the car was basically Tony!
But it was with a mixed heart I had to wake him. Sound sleep eludes him most days. He cat naps at best. Most nights he spends flipping the channels with the sound off in our bedroom, hoping that anything will finally lull him to sleep. He looked so peaceful that I felt bad that I had to wake him up, but we were on a time schedule – we had to meet his cardiologist in between patients at 2:00 p.m.
We got on the road by 8:30. I ended up bringing one of my Nature Valley granola bars with me. I ate half around 8:45, then the other half around 10:00. At 11:30 I saw a rest stop and saw that the next one wasn’t going to be for 57 miles, so I said “I’ll stop if you don’t mind.” Tony said “why do you have to stop already, we just left the house 3 hours ago?!” I didn’t argue, just peed really fast and got back to the car.
I made a sandwich for lunch and thought since we were stopped, I would grab that sammie which was in the cooler in the back of the car, and grab my insulin and put it next to me when I needed to eat. I brought the two separately packed half sandwiches and set them next to me, and Tony looked down and said “you already ate two granola bars, are you going to eat again?!”
I threw the sandwiches to the back of the car and said “I guess not!” and got back on the highway. He knows I only get mad when my blood sugar is low, but I was mad about the comment. WTF?! Are you calling me fat? He reached back and handed me a sandwich and said to eat it. It wasn’t until then that I could detect the sense of urgency in his voice that he just wanted to get to the hospital. I was so close to just go off and yell “do you think these last three weeks have been easy for me?!” but I slowed my roll, we both apologized for being on edge and we finished the road trip.
I have to be an asshole to think that a stupid off the cuff comment like that set me off – but in all reality – it’s really hard being the strong one. And since basically 2007 when Tony first got sick, I’ve pretty much had to be the strong one. While Tony worries, I am the one who tells him that everything is going to be okay. But that’s easy coming from me – I am not the sick one, and Tony is the one who’s had to go through all these awful health problems.
But here’s the other part of shit that I just have to realize. This is our life now. My vacation days are not being spent being on a lake fishing with Tony, they are being spent in a hospital, and I just have to stop pining over other peoples Facebook vacation pictures: boat rides, bonfires, family reunions, farmers markets. And I need to just focus on the positives that Tony is in the right place at the right time.
When we met the cardiologist last week, Tony had just come out of sedation, and would periodically start to fall asleep while the doctor was talking to us. I actually thought ahead and downloaded an app that was a tape recorder, and recorded the whole conversation. I told Tony that I had that when we got home if he wanted to listen to it, but he said it was okay.
So fast forward to yesterday – the doctor took one look at Tony, realized he was retaining too much fluid and wanted to admit him in preparation for his heart biopsy on Thursday. He picked up the phone to call the St. Mary’s admit desk and starts to speak “I have a 53 year old male in severe heart failure. . . “ I could see by the look on Tony’s face that he was shocked by that. I knew it. I offered that information to him and he declined. But I think if nothing else, he knew coming here was the right thing to do.
I have to say – the process from admitting him all the way through meeting with the heart doctors and starting the IVs was two hours. TWO HOURS! That’s amazing. Joanne (blog reader) you were right that the care here is amazeballs! And as is the case, I am the sleep whisperer! And I think his growing in mustache and beard are sexy – salt and pepper hair and all.
Once his diet was approved that he could eat, he ordered his dinner. I went down to the hospital cafeteria. There were quite a few people in there, and I have to say, most of the food looked like ass, so I ended up sticking with something that usually is okay – the salad bar. This salad cost $3.07.
Tony? He ordered a plain hamburger, red Jell-O and iced tea. That’s all he wanted.
When we were getting admitted, the person asked if Tony wanted a private room. She stated that a private room would be an out of pocket expense of $75 a night. Done. We have been in shared rooms too many times over the years, from roommates who have their t.v. volume on so high you can’t hear you own t.v., they don’t knew where they are and yell “help!” every few minutes. Roommates that have coughing fits. So worth it. More importantly Tony is worth it! Just to know that he can be peaceful in a room by himself is all I wanted for him.
And, his room has a gorgeous view!
I finally left around 8 p.m. to go back to the hotel I reserved. I had to park about 3 blocks from the hospital and I find it interesting that after regular hours, they have an “honor parking” where you take an envelope and put in what you think you owe and leave it in another bin. Parking is cheap – $2 for the first hour and $1 for each hour after that – I wrapped my parking ticket with a $5 and put it in the bin.
I have to admit, it was weird to be here all by myself. I ended up falling asleep with the t.v. on because Tony does that at home and it was comforting. I fell asleep before 11:00 p.m. and just woke up at 8 – nice!
I am off to shower, get some breakfast and head back to St. Mary’s. Not sure what the day will be like, but you all know I love the emails, comments, etc. about Tony – it’s appreciated more than you know!
And one more shout out to Vote for My Recipe. If you click on this link, it will take you right to the page to vote – thanks for voting! My Mom made my recipe last night and texted me “best pork dish ever. Restaurant worthy!” Thanks Momma – and I know you are saying that not only because it was delicious, but because I am your favorite, right?!
Make it a great day!
Oh…take care of YOURSELF Biz….all this stress of caring for Tony, driving to Mayo, packing and unpacking, working, eating right….etc, etc can cause your blood sugars to rise….one thing I have noticed in myself with diabetes. Anyways…take some deep breaths every now and then and put your feet up and REST, sit by a water fountain, watch a few sunrises and sunsets….that can be your mini-vacation. Buy some flowers for yourself and Tony….that always cheers a person up. Little things mean a lot.
Praying for you and Tony, take care.
PS oh and since you are so far north….try and catch some of those Northern Lights dancing in the late night sky…that can really be quite the show!!!
You are so right – I love that you can point out the good things that I can focus on. 😀
I too am thinking about you guys everyday. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you both. I still DO NOT understand why hospitals charge parking fees. Its not like they don’t make enough money as it is. Oh and good call on the private room. Last November, I shared a room with the same exact lady you describe. She couldn’t use the bathroom on her own and was calling out to me to help her. WHAT?
Wow, that would be so crazy that a roommate would ask you to help her go to the bathroom?!! Thanks for the continued hugs Randi! And for the record, my pedicure is still looking fabulous – you may have converted me for life!
It can’t be easy being the strong one of the two of you – Tony is a lucky man to have you in his life. I have high hopes that this is all going to turn out great for you guys. Big hugs!
I just have to realize that if the shoe was on the other foot – he would do the exact same thing for me. 😀
Such a difficult journey for both of you! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Voted! 🙂
Thanks Andrea – I appreciate your vote! 😀
Just happy knowing you are in the right place for Tony to get some answers. Sending prayers your way!
Thanks Mel! Hugs!
Sending lots and lots of prayers and thoughts your way!!!!!
Thanks Katelyn!
I can’t imagine how stressful that drive was, let alone the last several years. Take care of yourself – TREAT YO’SELF, as they say on Parks and Rec – and I’m with Helen…stay off FB because dang, it sure does seem like everyone and their brother is getting to vacation in paradise. Or just tell yourself what I do – they’re putting it all on credit cards. Hang in there, my friend!
OMG, that kills! I will think that too – if I see someone take a deluxe vacation I will tell myself “well, they will be in credit card debt for a couple years!”
Praying for Tony! He is so lucky to have such an amazing and supportive wife! xoxo
Thanks Kim! I often think what would have happened to Tony had we not met and married and stayed a bachelor. While he thinks I am the one causing all these illnesses, I always remind him that I came into his life when he needed me most. 😀
Listen, being the caregiver is just has stressful and hard and being the sick person. Why on earth do you think there are support groups just for caregivers.
Very glad you guys are where you are. Stay off Facebook for a while, it’s not that important and you have the email addresses and phone numbers of people you really want to reach anyway!
That is so true Helen – I am sure I’ll be in touch with you soon!
Aw biz, I am amazed at how strong you have been all this time. It is really really tough.
It’s hard to watch others and their vacations. I have much facebook jealousy of friends who are traveling to Europe, Hawaii, the Caribbean… I guess I live in a vacation destination though, so I shouldn’t complain. Staycation!
Most of my vacations go to school holidays and sick kids. But hey, they are my kids.
Have you ever worked with a dietitian? I have a friend who is one, and has worked with hospitals with diabetes and heart patients, etc. I know Tony has a lot of issues, and the needs of each might counteract each other, but it’s worth a shot. (I have a friend who was pregnant – had her baby last week, but had really bad gallstones. The pregnancy diet and the gallstone diet were COMPLETELY opposite from each other. She only gained 10 lbs the whole pregnancy as a result.)
The first thing I thought was “people come to your neck of the woods for vacation!” I love all the beach pictures with you, your husband and kids – and how is your youngest son not looking like a baby anymore but more like a boy??!! Seems like he was just born!
One of the symptoms of the heart disease Tony may have is lack of appetite. I wish I could get him to eat more, but it’s just not in the cards. Right now his only limitations are low protein and under 2000 grams of sodium, which is pretty easy because other than the dinner I make, he only eats yogurt, fruit and my homemade granola. 😀
I understand your frustration and think you are handling the ups and downs better than most can. Hope some good news comes your and Tony’s way soon. Take care.
Thank you! I am so behind in my blog reading surprisingly enough – haven’t checked to see if you’ve updated your blog since July 15 – hope you are cooking some more meals at home since your husband is back in town. Hugs!
Sending an abundance of support, hugs, prayers, and peace your way! Hang in there, lady. You’re pretty amazing.
And … … I’m with Debbie does dinner! Really worth looking into her suggestion.
BIZ-You inspire me daily! Healing prayers to Tony and a big hug to you!
You are so sweet Jan – hugs! 😀
You’re both under A LOT of pressure and stress. It’s hard being the caregiver – not the same kind of ‘hard’ as being the patient, but hard nonetheless. Don’t ever sell yourself short in everything that you do. Be kind to yourself and be there for Tony. Be sure to take some walks to enjoy these beautiful days, breathe some fresh air and clear your head while Tony is resting! Prayers are with you as Tony undergoes these next procedures and whatever the future holds. Peace – Lynne.
Thanks Lynne – actually as I was driving home tonight, I thought to myself that every 90 minutes I hang out in Tony’s room, I should do a few laps around the hospital outside to get my steps in.
Glad you have your blog to vent a bit. This must be incredibly hard for both of you.
I know you guys eat way different from this but have you ever watched Forks Over Knives? I just have to cringe to see a man in severe heart failure eating a hamburger. Watch the documentary on Netflix if you have it, (otherwise email me and I’ll give you my netflix password to watch it). I really, truly think that a new way of eating could save his life. Just my 2 cents. 🙂
Debbie Does Dinner Healthy is so right!!!!!!!!
I figure, switching to a plant based diet isn’t going to hurt anything, right? I realize he’s a stubborn old coot and can be picky on food but this works for so many people and just makes sense. It quite likely could save his life. And perhaps trips to the mayo.
Thanks ladies – but I have to let you know that Tony RARELY eats meat anymore. Since probably April, Tony eats fresh fruit, yogurt, and probably 1/4 of the dinner I make each night. (and I still have yet to see it – Debbi – I have Netflix and I will definitely watch it). In April his doctor put him on a low protein/low salt diet and he was basically eating that way on his own.
For some reason after his colon cancer meat just doesn’t taste good to him anymore. Thick cuts of steak or pork chops make him want to puke if he thinks about it – but skinny burgers like that he seems to tolerate okay. I bet that burger was barely 2 ounces of meat. 😀
Prayers for you and Tony. I completely understand how you are feeling. My hubby and I are both type 2 but he also has a heart condition and an amputation that is not completely healed.
Wow, that has to be hard! Let’s both try to find something good in each and every day. Deal?! 😀
Your words are sooo spot on today for me. I too have been harboring jealous thoughts about Facebook Vacations, family get togethers, and adventures. I need to remember to “Be Here Now” and to try to find the adventure and “vacation”moments close to home. I love you !
Thank you so much for this comment Pam! I agree – we both need to step back, and be thankful for all that is good going in our lives, even if it doesn’t compare to others. I love you more! 😀
What a whirlwind day. I can imagine the stress you both were under. You are so good together. My heart and lots of positive energy are focused in your direction. I’m glad you made it there safe and Tony’s doctors responded with immediate care. ) I enjoyed seeing the “Christmas Tree” in the honor parking photo. It is nothing to you who live up north but my daughter and I are always fascinated because we only see them here in December. Off now to place my votes.
It’s funny, I had to look back at the photo because I was like “what the hell is Kym talking about a Christmas tree” in my head when I read this comment earlier I thought I didn’t see a decorated Christmas tree??!! But it’s a pine tree – they are everywhere here in the midwest. 😀 Thanks for voting Kym! 😀
Sorry, I should have said a non decorated tree 🙂 Like I said, we love seeing them. Our pines trees are tall lanky hideous looking things while yours are beautiful!
Thinking of you and Tony….reading everyday from Canada. Sending you hugs. You do carry a heavy load…..wish my hubby and I could come and cut that tree down for you. I am praying for you and voting for you EVERY day. Hang in there….you are amazing. Today’s post goes from being mad to seeing the sexy in Tony….you got this girl!:)
Loved this comment Michelle! And if you and your husband have skills in cutting down trees, I commend you – that’s some hard work! 😀 I know over the course of time I’ll cut down all but the stump, but I appreciate the offer from Canada! Thanks for voting!
Just know that we are all right there with you guys. That’s what friends are for….to share the good and the hard times…… Lots of prayers coming your way, and voting every day! Hang in there and I am amazed at your great attitude and readiness to share with us all you are going though. You are a really good example to so many others in all this. We all know how hard it is for you and how much you love Tony.
Blessings to you both!
Thank you so much Joyce – yep, I try to keep it real on this blog, and I have to realize that it’s not always going to be rainbows and sunshine. But once I got stuff off my chest, I am going to continue to keep a positive attitude. 😀