My walk yesterday morning was gorgeous – it was already 73 degrees, but there was a slight breeze and I managed to squeeze in a 30 minute walk before work. Do you guys know the app Spotify? My friend Natalie (Hi Nat!) made a play list for our 101 Days of Summer Challengers, but here’s the thing. I thought Spotify was an app to tell you the name and artist of a song, say if you were at Starbucks, or the grocery store – you could press the app and it will tell you the name and artist and where to buy it on iTunes. (There is an app like that, but it’s called Shazam). Anywho, Spotify basically has EVERY SONG THAT WAS EVER made on you can create your own playlists, find playlists that Spotify has put together. Yesterday I was listening to AM WORKOUT thinking it would have an upbeat tempo. Jenn M., as soon as Thrift Shop came on I thought of you!
By the time I got back home I already logged over 3000 steps – nice!
I finally got my Flatout panini jones on, and actually remembered to bring the eggs this time! Guys – this is an amazing breakfast sammie. It was so good I’ll probably have the same thing for breakfast today. I used my egg cooker to cook the egg whites and spinach together, then just added the ham and cheese to that and put it in my panini maker at work. Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t use butter when making panini’s – I have a can of butter flavored Pam in my office and just spray the top and bottom of the panini machine, nothing sticks, I get a nice butter flavor without the extra calories and the bread is nice and crunchy.
My co-worker and I managed just 40 minutes of walking yesterday. It worked out fine because she still needed the 20 minutes to pick up lunch, but not sure we could have made it our full 3 miles because it was ballers hot. But that’s the motto, right ladies?! #wycwyc – it all adds up!
Lunch was more lasagna soup, which I may be boring, but I’ll probably have that again today too. It’s just so good and it doesn’t make sense to make something different before finishing the the last of it up. I do like the medium shells in this version though. Tammy, I hope yours turned out good! It’s her first batch and I warned her it will soon become her favorite soup.
I picked up an afternoon snack at Hannah’s work yesterday morning. I love biscotti, and this one only had 150 calories and it was delicious with my afternoon coffee. I need to make some at home soon.
So I told you about my water app yesterday. I have a water bottle at work that is 24 ounces, so I marked off 8 ounce notches so I know when to tap my glass on the app. I know I am a dork, but I am all about the apps!
And in case you are wondering, that is a snowman bowl holding my binder clips and paper clips! 
I was meeting my Mom, Hannah and Jacob out to dinner last night and we chose Big Bowl in Schaumburg. It’s kind of a half way point between our houses and it’s not too far from my work. We started out with the spicy green beans, which we asked to be mild because of Mom and Hannah, but they were still to spicy for them. We are going to try to recreate them at home tonight. We also each had a chicken satay stick and then we built our own bowls.
The green beans and chicken were good, but the panang curry sauce I picked wasn’t not as flavorful, and Hannah and I both agreed that Wok N Fire’s food was WAY better. Next time we’ll go there! And after dinner we walked around and ended up at Starbucks (you guys, Hannah and Jacob hadn’t been there in two days – they were going through withdrawal!) and I ended up getting the 120 calorie mini frap for 120 calories – perfect!
So the night before last I had this dream. Pretty sure that’s why I drank cocktails at night so I don’t dream because since I haven’t had any wine I’ve had the strangest dreams and remember every detail. In this dream someone came to me and told me it was a mistake and that Tony was still alive in the hospital. I jumped up and said “What?!!” When I got there, he was half the size he was when he died, but he had his arms stretched out to me and asked me “why did it take you so long to get to me?” He had tears running down his face and I kept trying to tell him that I didn’t know he was there. I don’t know if it’s my subconscious guilt coming through – parts of me wished I had spent every single second with him when he was in the hospital the last three weeks, but seriously, I never thought he was going to die. It never even crossed my mind – we always got through all these things.
In particular was 12 days before he died. He’d just been moved to University of Illinois. I had been there late that Friday night before and I needed some kitchen therapy. So that Saturday morning, knowing that I was going to be spending the majority of the weekend at the hospital, I got up and started making naan bread. Just working with the dough, rolling it out, pan frying each piece, it was my way of destressing. It was about 10:00 when I was just leaving to go to the hospital and Tony called and wondered why I wasn’t there and was so upset that I hadn’t left the house yet – it was still a good hour drive.
It’s weird because I feel like I am having more grief and sorrow now than when he just died because I seriously think the first few months I was in shock – going through the motions. It feels like the clouds are dissipating and I have to deal with the fact that he’s actually gone.
So last night was good for my soul. We tried to take a bunch of pictures outside of Starbucks and we laughed our asses off and it felt . . . good. Laughter really is the best therapy!
Thanks Mom, Hannah and Jacob for that laughter therapy session. It was greatly appreciated! So my only advice today is if you have your spouse or significant other still with you – if you were holding a grudge about something they did, or whatever, remember they are still here. And hug them and kiss them as much as you can.
Make it a great day! Off to get my steps in
gah! I love spotify, but if you don’t have unlimited data be careful! spotify and pandora (or really any apps that stream music/tv) are supposed to be the largest data consumers. I only use them when I’m on wifi (unless you do have unlimited data in which case ignore me)!
What a strange and sad dream. I can only imagine how sad you felt, waking up from that. When my mom died, and I had those “out-of-nowhere” moments like a punch in the stomach, I felt a little bit of comfort if I could just embrace the grief and think of the tears as a tribute to her. She was worth the pain and I wouldn’t have traded the good to avoid the bad. Anyway. You’re perfectly right on your own track and as I’ve said before, I admire your strength and grace. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
Thriftshop is one of my daughter’s favorite songs (the edited version, of course 🙂 ) and whenever it comes up, I think of you too! 😀 *hugs*
The hospice that worked with you should have grief counseling services available for you. I really recommend it. Grief is such a strange, personal journey. You’re doing exactly what you need to do to process such a huge, unexpected loss. It just feels like you’re lost.
Hey Biz – great post. After my Mom died, and my Dad started dating someone very quickly, I would have dreams about her not really being gone or about her telling me I should be nicer to my Dad or things like that. I used to wake up wondering if it was real – if maybe she wasn’t actually gone. Those dreams lasted a few months.
You are a strong lady! The good days will hopefully start to outnumber the bad.
That was a strange dream sweety. Grief comes in stages and now everything is settling in you have rest and more time to think and grief about it.
I love love love the collage! It makes me smile. You have such a wonderful loving family.
We have Spotify for free with our internet subscription. I never use it but R. uses it all the time, he loves it.
I love that collage! Dream do play with us, don’t they! I agree that drinking makes me have very weird dreams. But I also think I’m very weird when I drink! It is OK to think. It is OK to remember. Just don’t over analyze. That always takes me to places i shouldn’t go!
I made the lasagna soup yesterday afternoon and put it in the fridge. Getting ready to make the pasta now. I have been away from home ALL FRIGGIN’ DAY and now it’s after 4:00p! Had BLT’s planned for dinner already…maybe I will have a bowl of soup with it! Sorry that the grief process is rearing it’s head in such an ugly way. I tend to dream in technicolor too, remembering every vivid detail when I wake. I hope this stage passes for you soon and the bouts of laughter happen more and more often. 🙂
Love those pictures of all your laughing, they made me smile 🙂
Thank you. I came home last night from the library at 7pm. I’d asked J to start the toaster oven so my sweet potato would be finished when I got home. She totally bypassed that in my text and didnt do it. I was pissed because I’d also sent her to the store and she forgot the blueberries that were on sale. Shopping/cooking isnt her thing and she is trying to help me, and I should not have went off on her because i had to wait longer to eat. I would much rather her be here with me and forget things than not have her at all.
Laughter truly is the best medicine; so glad you had lots of it!
I love that you have photos of the three generations of ladies. I don’t think we have any of those. 🙁 They are important!
Glad you guys are doing so well! Kick some butt ladies!
Sending you vibes of love…yes, grief comes in waves most certainly. How blessed you are to have a loving, laughing family surrounding you!
Good job getting your walks in – you guys are almost as hot as we are here right now!
I can’t even begin to know what you’re going through- but I can take your advice and appreciate my hub every chance I get. Thanks for sharing your experience, but I’m sorry you have to go through it. Have a nice day!
Aww, great post Biz!
I await your recreation of the green beans, my favorite!
What a fun night out with family! I want some spicy green beans! Can’t wait until you do the re-create at home! Hoping for no more crazy dreams for you! You’re an amazing person biz
I know everyone’s grief is expressed differently, but there are some similarities in the stages, and one of them is the stage where all of a sudden the death becomes real and you can actually feel worse than when you were going through the death.
I learned this from my sister when she lost her husband and I also recall that she had several vivid dreams of him during this stage.
What I know for sure is there is an end and you are just in the next stage. IT’S OKAY. Feel what you need to, cry when you need to, and if necessary, find someone professional to talk with. Hugs.