I realized this morning that Tony has been gone nine weeks already. It’s funny because when I look back on when our relationship started back in 2000, we met in May of 2000, basically moved in together the middle of June about 3 weeks after we met, and got married six months after our first phone conversation after he found me online at love@aol (which morphed into what is now known as match.com).
I am sure our friends and family at the time were like “what the fuck are they doing? they don’t even know each other yet!” But we did. From our first phone conversation I just felt . . . comfort. I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t. I wasn’t nervous talking to him, I wasn’t nervous about meeting him in person for the first after we talked on the phone a couple weeks. The connection was just so strong, that we sat at a bar by my house at the time and talked for hours, then just leaned in and started kissing right then and there – we didn’t care where we were, or who was watching – I believe that a patron came over and threw us a couple bucks and told us to leave and get a room – ha!
Tony (aka Jeff!) sent me this email about three weeks after we met:
I was working at a law firm in Chicago and was switching jobs right before we got married and I literally printed out all our emails to each other back and forth from June 2000 until late September 2000. Hannah had them spiral bound for me and had it at Tony’s memorial.
I was cleaning around my desk last night, getting stuff together for our my accountant appointment in a couple weeks, and I stumbled across a card that I never brought Tony:
Luckily Hannah was working and Jacob was at the gym, because I lost it. I felt so bad that he never got to see that card, and when I put this on Instagram, I have Courtney to thank for me turning my tears to a smile – she said “Ah, he SO knew that though. #rockstarwife.” And I do know that he knew I loved him to the core of his being. I got him. He was difficult at times to live with because in his opinion he was always right, he knew the right way of doing things, etc.” I don’t want to sugar coat our marriage to let you all think that it was all rainbows and butterflies because it wasn’t. But no matter what the argument was, we always knew that we had each other. We knew at the end of the day if we had only each other, we would be perfectly happy.
It seems as if I miss him more now than when I immediately lost him because it seemed so surreal at the time. Then it was the holidays, then Hannah and Jacob and the dogs moving in – I know I’ve described it as being on a merry-go-round and it kept getting faster and faster and the operator wasn’t looking at me waving my hands desperately to slow it all down. Well finally the operator looked my way. And stopped the merry-go-round. Except when it finally stopped, I was the only one on it and no matter where I looked in the the whole park, I couldn’t find my best friend. Now it’s still. His chair is empty in the living room. His shirts are hanging in the closet just where I left them the last time I did laundry for him in early November.
It’s just . . . not fair. That I’ll never kiss those lips again.
I lost my husband too. When I read your blog, it brings back to me the memories of the hurts of that first year. I wasn’t sure I could make it the first year. I knew I would of course, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to live thru it. All those markers as the holidays came up and remembering this is what we did this time last year.
What saved me is I am genetically blessed with a cheerful gene. Hugs Hugs and more hugs to you—–
I honestly think of you and Tony ALL THE TIME. Last night I couldn’t sleep because my hubby is in China, and I thought of you also sleeping alone. I know we’ve never met but your story has touched me deeply.
Still so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you have your daughter there to help you through it.
I highly recommend you read “Saturday Night Widows” by Becky Aikman. I’m not a widow but loved the book and I think you’d be able to relate to what she went through.
I heard about you from Abbe but when I read your words, I thought I could have written them myself. I met my husband over the net in 1994 and I knew I had to meet him or I’d always wonder if I’d missed out on the best person in the world for me. He suffered a massive heart attack a few weeks ago and luckily it was after having a bit of chest pain so it happened in the ambulance and now after immediate surgery, he’s fine.
Your words reminded me how precious our memories are. For our 1-year anniversary of meeting he sent me a disc tied with a pink bow that had all our emails. It took a while to be sure I wanted to move from Florida to Australia.
I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your best friend and I’m sending you a warm hug.
I Think of You and what your doing. My heart goes out to you. We should never take life for granted. You will always love him and get those moments when you just miss him. But your life has been going on. I am proud of you Biz.
Hang in There,
Huggs for NY
Thanks Larry – i appreciate it!
GIANT (and belated) hug to you my friend!!!!
Thinking of you, Biz. Hang in there, I know if must be so incredibly hard. You touch a lot of lives through this blog! You are one special lady!! xo~
Oh Biz, I’m so sorry. I hope the tough days like this are over very quickly. Feel them, get through them, enjoy the better ones. <3
No, it’s certainly not fair!
I have been waiting for this to come because it happened to me too after my Dad died. The first weeks are a rollercoaster, then when you get some rest, it hits you hard that he isn’t there anymore.
Biz, it’s okay to cry, even in front of Hannah and Jacob. You don’t have to be strong 24/7. You have lost the love of your life, you can cry and grief as much as you want.
I don’t know what to say or type. I can’t imagine the pain, the loss. But I can imagine how much Tony loved you and he knew how much you loved him. Men are a handful but oh so worth the effort and love.
Praying for you.
I sorry this was a hard day. Hugs to you.
Biz, every time I read one of your posts on Tony it takes me right back…. Next month will be 25 years since my first husband died, and truly, I cannot believe it’s been that long since I’ve seen him, talked to him, held him. Yes, it gets easier over time, and then something happens still that’s like a punch in the gut. You are so fortunate not only to have so many wonderful memories of Tony, but to have them chronicled in your blog, in the emails you’ve printed & saved, and the community of friends supporting you is just awesome. Sadly, my husband died before the age of PCs and internet, and I didn’t know any other young widows. We are all here for you, and thinking of you with love. You are doing a completely awesome job getting through this, one day at a time, and sometimes an hour at a time.
Somehow this lost my comment. Life is not fair, except in horse shoes. You are going to have days where you should cry and cry and cry. And then you won’t. That is OK. That is how life works. It never gets better. It just gets easier. And sometimes it takes a long time to get easier. And that is OK too. You are incredible. Sending hugs your way.
Biz, my husband died 2 1/2 years ago after 29 years of marriage. You are still so early after Tony/Jeff death that there are going to be so many emotions still to go through. I think I was in shock for the first 6-8 months – even though he had cancer and I knew it was a possibility. You just have to work through it day by day. Even after 2.5 years, I still have bad days – bad moments – but they are less in severity and less in quantity. Big Hugs to you.
Sometimes it’s harder when things have settled and you have time to think and have to adjust. It sucks and I hate it for you.
I’m just so glad that you have kids and dogs there to keep you company. Just remember that you have so many good memories. You are blessed to have had a love like that.
Thinking of you! Virtual hugs your way!
Hugs!
I’m getting used to grabbing a kleenex every time i read your blog. You’ll never stop missing him but it will get better.
I can’t believe it’s been nine weeks. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for being so refreshingly honest. You will get through this.
Dear Biz. This made me cry for you. I’ve never lost a partner, but I lost my mom, and I remember that the real pain came well after the day of her death. Once the shock wore off, and I realized what it really meant. I hate this part of life. You’ll be on my mind today. Steph in WA
I can only hope that Derek and I end up having half the relationship and love that you and your husband had! Thank you for always listening (through my blog world) about my relationship woes with the Mr. Wrongs and now that I met the Mr. Right. Hugs Biz. Hugs.
Sending you love and prayers, Biz!
I love you so much. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
And the tears are flowing for you again. I can relate, not in death, but in looking around my house and finding it so empty but knowing that the hole is more in my heart than it is in my house. xoxo
I love that email from Tony. Hope it makes you smile in these sad days.
Crying is a good release Biz, Do it as much as you want!!! Sending you hugs from Sunny Los Angeles where the beef is usually tofu or something gross! xoxoxo
Oh, those rough days…I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Huge hugs to you, Biz! Go ahead and cry, there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. I’m sure Tony misses holding your hand and just being with you, just as much as you miss him.
Just take it one day at a time. You have a great spirit and great family and friends to support you.
It’s not fair!! I hate it for you and know that nothing I can write makes it better because at the end of the day Tony is still gone:(
I’m glad that you share your feelings here because we all love you and care about you!!!
Oh, Biz, I’m sending you hugs from south of the Inner Harbor. To echo what KitchWtch said, take it easy this week.
Aw biz, I’m so sorry. I know that when my mom died (3 years ago now), the first several months, the first year or two, were very very hard on my stepfather. He’d never been married before my mom, married her when he was 43. She was everything to him. (And worse, her drinking is what killed her.)
I would call him every week and every week he would break down on the phone. Because: that’s normal. And when my Daniel was born 6 months after she died, I would see her in his smile and feel sad that she could never know him.
It’s truly not not fair at all.
It is so totally not fair. Sending you hugs and hope the days get a bit easier for you.
Life is so not fair! Just remember that you had a love that I don’t believe many have. I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am. Some days are harder than others. You are strong. You will survive. Though that doesn’t mean you have to be strong all the time. It is OK to cry.
Oh Biz, I just don’t know what to say. Everyone seems so eloquent and all I can think of is to say that I feel so bad for you. Nothing fancy – I just feel it and it sucks and it is just so awful for you. Thank you for opening up here on your blog and letting us all in – we want to help you with comforting words. I completely agree with Helen – don’t ever apologize – feel what you feel and share with whomever you need to! Big hugs to you – Peace – Lynne.
There will be days like this and there will be days of joyful remembrance as well. Even if Hannah and Jacob are around and you lose it, don’t every apologize. Feel what you feel!!
I can’t even imagine going through this…my heart aches for you, Biz. Big hugs.
I just have no words….just tears. Truly. You ARE a #rockstarwife and a #superwoman.
So many times it is a just “grit my teeth and get through horrific pain” moment. I remember getting divorced and it was like a living death till I met my wonderful husband who I have been married to for 38 years. Like you have with Tony, wonderful memories to take with you forever…….I too now have that and as we grow older I am so thankful for those wonderful and ‘not so much’ memories that we both have to warm our hearts after one or the other of us is gone. It all goes into making up the “pattern of our lives” that is “us,” and since life is so precious, I am thankful for even the painful divorce for when I pass on…….I want to know that I experienced it all…..all the parts of life that it has to offer!
Thinking of you. So sorry it was a rotten day–I’m sure those moments can sneak up on you and Bam! Be gentle with yourself this week. xoxo
I know you miss kissing his lips–but, what sweet, sweet memories you have!
Best,
Bonnie
Whenever I read your posts like this it reminds me to count my blessings and don’t sweat the small stuff. I would be absolutely lost without my husband, I can’t even imagine the daily pain that you deal with. And that you have the energy to cook, exercise, blog, work, etc. Know that there are many virtual friends that are with you in your journey Beth!
The pain of losing ones love is so hard but let the comfort of your friends far and near hold you up while you start taking those baby steps to regain your footing in life.
ah, I am so glad I was able to make you smile about this. meant every word 🙂
Oh Biz, I’m so sorry that you’re going thru all of this. I’ve been thinking of you and keeping up with your posts. Like Courtney said, I’m sure that Tony knew that you loved him with all your heart and I’m sure he hated sleeping alone also. Take care of you, it’s so hard. And don’t worry about always being strong for everyone, you’re human and you’re hurting. Just know that there are lots of people who care about you and are there for you.
Hope your day gets better.
Xo moe