A little over month ago, after Tony was approved for disability and we got a sizeable check for back pay for disability, Tony was the first one to declare that we needed a new roof. Which is nothing new to us, we’ve known for the last few years that it needed to be completely replaced. But as long time readers know, money was tight, I was working two jobs to make ends meet. We both secretly wished that we would have a storm just bad enough for one of our surrounding trees to “land” just gently enough on our roof that insurance would pay for the whole replacement. Um, that never happened.
Tony checked around, found a company that has been in business in our area since the 60’s, got great yelp reviews and signed the contract. This was literally the week before he went to the hospital. Based on the jobs ahead of us, we’d be in line for a new roof in about three weeks. Sweet!
But Tony came home from hospice on Week 3. We had some sub-zero temps so other jobs got bumped. On Saturday, November 29, I got a call from the roofers that our job would be in line for replacement the week of December 8. I told the woman on the phone “I don’t know how to tell you this, but my husband is home for hospice.” Tony was the one that had been conversing with this woman over the details of the roof replacement. She said “oh my, I am so sorry, we can send people out to do a patch for the winter, and we’ll replace it in the spring.” I said to go ahead and hold the week of December 8 and I would let her know if I wanted to postpone it.
Tony’s nephew and his wife and new son came up from Tennessee to visit Tony. I went into Tony’s room and said “Bob, Izzy and Maddux are coming.” Then I said “the roofers called and said they could patch the roof until the spring if we wanted.” He opened his eyes and said “promise.” I repeated “did you say promise?” and he said after he cleared his throat “promise me you’ll replace the roof this year.” I told him “I promise!”
Not too long after Tony’s nephew, wife and their 9 month old son Maddux came to visit. It’s been so long since I held a baby, but he was so easy going. They walked into the room, and I told Tony who was here, and he opened his eyes, looked at them, held out his hand for Maddux to hold onto and mouthed “he’s so cute.” Not gonna lie, that brought tears to my eyes. I suddenly realized in that instant that Tony would never know his future grandchildren. This is Izzy and Maddux – I love this picture.
After that Tony was really tired. He wanted three things within reach:
- Backscratcher – which he used to itch his balls
- Glass of water
- The remote. Of course the remote had to be in reach!
I hadn’t had Hannah’s t.v. hooked up since she moved out, so luckily Tony’s nephew Bob was able to hook it up. I believe we had college football in the background most of the day. Shhhh… I didn’t tell Tony that he was laying on snowmen sheets! They are flannel and so comfy and warm.
As Tony slept most of Saturday, I of course had to get my kitchen therapy going. I just need to feed people and wanted to make sure I had ample food for everyone. I had some apples that were on the brink of just getting soft spots, so I made an apple almond bread. I bought a loaf pan from Goodwill, which I think is supposed to be a sandwich bread loaf pan? Anyway, it turned out amazing – I had slivered almonds on top. I wrote the recipe down as I was writing it and will post it some time soon.
I had two chicken carcasses that I made into chicken noodle soup. That was a big hit – nothing like having the chicken fat of the skin to flavor the stock. It was definitely Chicken Soup for the Soul.
And of course, what’s soup without bread? I made two loaves of 5 minute artisan bread – with toasted sesame seeds on top this time.
My brother makes fun of me that in the midst of pouring my heart out to you guys about the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on these last few weeks (months even!) I am still the consummate food blogger.
By now my parents in law were making the trek up from Naples, Florida. My MIL has been ill lately, and didn’t get approval to fly. Sadly, of course being Thanksgiving weekend, the traffic was horrible. I kept telling Tony to hang on, his parents were on their way. He was sleeping, but I figured it didn’t hurt to tell him that. And that I loved him. And that I was glad that he found me. And that he was my best friend. And that I wouldn’t change anything in the last 14 years we’d been together. I told him those things over and over that last weekend every time I was in the room with him alone.
And then I took a picture of the sunset. It calmed me. But in the back of my head, I wondered how many sunsets I’d see before Tony wouldn’t be there to see them with me.
What a tear jerker – you have me dripping tears all over my keyboard and salivating for your bread all at the same time. I think cooking and baking is like therapy for some of us and that’s a good thing.
much love to you. And prayers to get through this harsh time. Take care of you too 🙂
I am so sorry for your loss. Your sunset pIcture is beautiful. Tony will live on through you And you do such a good job of honoring that memory.
It’s good to write it down. Sometimes thought go around around around in your head in an endless loop. By writing the words down you get some peace. You might have to write them down 10 minutes later—so do it. The islands of peace will eventually get a little longer.
It’s hurting and it’s gonna continue hurting, but you will make your way thru it so that it doesn’t hurt all the time. Hugs Carol
Beautiful sunset and beautiful words you spoke to Tony. Big long lasting bear hugs.
Treasured moments, and I am glad you have not lost your passion for your food blogging.
Biz, get that roof replaced. What a blessing that the company is going to do that for you. I’m sure Tony was appreciative of that.
Love and hugs as usual. I had to chuckle through the tears when you mentioned the back scratcher being used as a ball scratcher. Tony at his finest! 🙂
((((((((((BIZ)))))))))) God bless you, you are an angel and that is why Tony found you. Although he didn’t know it at the time, he would need one…and that is YOU!!
I wishwishwish that we lived closer together. I would be right there for you every second. Please keep in touch with all of us even though a lot of us will have to be there from a distance. If you want to get in the car or on a plane and head to the southeast, come on to Charleston. We have a tiny house but there is room for you! Whatever I can do, please let me know. You are in my thoughts and prayers. KEEP IN TOUCH.
Prayers and hugs. You are so strong! I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I would help do your roof. Or maybe not since that is one project I don’t do. But I would help you do other stuff!
I understand why you need to cook and ease stress that way.
Your writing and recaps of these days is really beautiful – beautiful as your cooking! it amazes me amidst all your pain you want to feed people, but, I completely get it.
I really wish I had something more to say than I’m sorry, but dammit, I just don’t.
Sending love and prayers. *Hugs*
Words. Words escape me….but let’s watch Skippy try – why? Because I love you and Jeff and Hannah so much – and your words, although so incredibly painful for you to write – are so generous in that you share with us.
We love you Bizzy. We are praying for you, Jeff and the family and are keeping you in our thoughts.
You know where we are if you need us. Love you girlie. Now – go cook something that “Smells like ass” okay? ::wink and a hug::
I love the journal aspect of a blog (even a food blog!!!).
Glad that Tony could keep his balls scratched:)
That sunset is gorgeous!!!
Hope today has many happy spots in it for you!!!!
I am eating a bowl of your Best Buffalo Chili as I read, with tears in my eyes (and not from the heat of the chili!!) 🙂 You are an amazing person, and my heart breaks for your pain and loss. I think of you every day, looking for your blog posts. I do hope it is as therapeutic for you (to write at such a hard time) as it is for me! And of course, the breads!!! Amazing! Can’t wait for you to post (or re-post) the recipes!!! Hang in there, it f-ing sucks, I know…
wow, love the comment that said God painted that sunset just for you and Tony. Biz, you are an amazing woman. You probably don’t even realize it yourself because you’re just saying, “What? I’m just getting through one day at a time the best I can”. I know because I was there, and down the road you will look back at all this with a completely different perspective. My husband died very suddenly, no warning, so the time you had with Tony was truly a blessing. Thank you for the picture you’ve given all of us into your life. xo from New Jersey
I can totally picture you telling Tony those things. These entries are killing me.
Oh….the roof, yes, a good idea to get it done. One less stress factor for you to deal with. You can make some cookies for the roofers. I dealt with a leaky roof for 11 years. When it was finally fixed…..what a relief!!!! The weather is supposed to be in the 40’s here in WI. Maybe Illinois will be in the 50’s.
How are your blood sugars doing? All that you have been going through can elevate those numbers. It does for me. Food looks good there, chicken soup for the soul is always a winner!!! Take care of your self Biz. Beautiful sunset, God painted it just for you and Tony.
Sending hugs to you my friend! OH, that artisan bread looks so darn good as I sit imagining it with soft butter! YUMMO!