I’ve obviously thought about this post for a while, but decided to write it off the cuff.
I vividly remember the night before Tony died. For some reason I didn’t want anyone with me. I told my Mom, my brother and his family, my parents in law, Hannah and Jacob to all go home – get some rest. The hospice nurse had told me that he could last anywhere from 3-6 weeks without a functioning kidney because he wasn’t eating or drinking anything. It was December 1st and I remember thinking how I was going to juggle work, his parents in town, etc. for what could be well into 2015. But I knew I’d figure it out.
What I really regret was that when Tony was still speaking to me and coherent, just a mere week before he died – I still didn’t believe he was going to die. We’d get through it. I wanted him to just rest and sleep and we’d talk when he got better. There would be plenty of time!
But on December 1, 2014, with the house all quiet, and me sleeping on pillows below his hospital bed because I wanted to be so close in case he needed me, when he actually hadn’t moved for a couple days, I spent a good two hours talking to him. I told him that I loved him to the moon and back. I told him that I was so happy to have been married to my best friend. That he was sometimes an asshole because he wasn’t always right even when he thought he was…. ALL.THE.TIME. I talked about how me met, and how lucky we were that we had two healthy kids. How the reason I even responded to the comment he left on my online ad was that he was proud to be Italian but had two separate eye brows and no back hair – it made me laugh out loud. Don’t worry Bonnie (my MIL) I always reminded him that he was half French Canadian.
I knew I wasn’t going to get a verbal response, but I just kept talking. I didn’t know if he was actually here or not, so I just.kept.talking. Finally at about two in the morning, I realized that I was going to have a house full of people the next day, and willed myself to pull myself away from him and get some rest. It wasn’t until I got on my tippy toes to lean over to kiss him that I saw tears streaming down his face. I’ve not told that to anyone, because I wanted that memory for me. I wonder if he wished he could have said something to me – but in the end it didn’t matter. I knew he heard me. I know he loved me. He always told me that he could never live without me, and that if he died first I would end up okay.
And surprisingly, as I finish the second year without him, I think I will by okay. It’s been a weird two years without him, but also the most adventurous I’ve had in my life. From quitting my job, doing the farmers markets over the summer, to finding my dream job at The Chopping Block, only to realize that I can’t live off of that income, to coming full circle working back at a law firm.
But it’s different this time. I love working in Chicago. Love being close to my sister so that we can meet for lunch or walks. Also surprisingly loving the “routine” of having a 9-5, but still keeping my foot in the door at The Chopping Block. In some weird way, it was all meant to be.
Do you guys remember the musical Rent? OMG, Tony hated musicals with a passion. He always reminded me that when I wanted to see a musical he said “that’s why you have a mother, sister and a daughter.” I saw that years ago, but yesterday I was reminded of one of the songs from that musical “Seasons of Love.” There are 525,600 minutes in a year. And if you were to count all the seasons of love Tony and I had together that would be 4 seasons a year x 14 years so 56 seasons of love!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strifeIn five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the lifeHow about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of loveFive hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges she burned
Or the way that he diedIt’s time now to sing out
Tho’ the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friendsRemember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Measure, measure your life in love
So I choose to remember the love today. Hug your spouse, hug your kids. I hope you choose to measure your life in love 
So glad you shared your last evening with him – it’s hard to believe it’s been two years now. He was right – you definitely are OK, even with missing him so much.
Such a lovely memory so beautifully written. I’m so glad y’all found each other. What a treasure to share true love.
Beautiful post! And what a beautiful and loving memory you have. No doubt that he heard you.
I know you are going to be allright, I know for a very long time you are going to be, actually pretty soon after Tony passed away because of how you continued your life without him. It’s been hard for you without him but you were so strong and kept going. He’s proud of you!
HUGS HUGS HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
*bawling*
xoxo
I like the saying everything happpens for a reason. There is also a saying that has something to do with the word season. It escapes me now. You and tony met for a reason. So glad you had each other. I’m sure you were such a comfort to him especially at the end.
I have that song from Rent on one of my random running playlists. It’s not really my kind of running music, but I love the words and the way it reminds me to appreciate each and every moment that I so quickly take for granted. Beautifully written Biz.
My heart goes out to you. You are an amazeballs person. I never knew that word amazeballs until I started reading your blog years ago. Time goes so fast doesn’t it? He did hear you Beth. May you continue to do what you love to do. Being moms favorite and bringing smiles to all of us. Please know we all care about you.
Make it a great weekend.
I knew I would cry today when I read your blog. It is hard to believe it has been two years. Virtual hugs coming your way. Thanks for being so amazing. You touch the lives of so many.
I think he did speak to you. He let you know that he heard. There were no words needed.
HUGS!!!!! Sending love your way Vat!!!
Beth, I have read about your love for Tony so many times in your blog. Every time I do read about your final days I think how fortunate you both were. That you were able to tell him your stories and let him know how much he was loved. My husband died suddenly and even though I was with him right before he passed in the trauma room I had left him for a moment to go get the Dr. And nurses when he went into distress as they had left us alone and he was needing help. There was no time to say what I wanted to say, even though I told him everyday he was loved, I don’t think I told him that day. Too late, time was up, I am so happy for you that you had that time.
This was a powerful post. Your devotion and love for your husband is a beautiful thing. You two were so lucky that you found each other. I wish I could give you a hug. I feel as if I know you. You touch many lives with this blog.
Biz, I remember that photo from the first time you posted it. How proud Tony must be that you are living life. You are going to be ok. You are such an amazing person (reading your blog for years, I feel as though I know you ha!)
Beth — your words are full of love and beautiful. I’m so glad that you know that Tony heard your words. He is looking out for you and I am sure he is so proud of all you have done in the past two years.
Mary
Tears are streaming down my face now- what an awesome memory for you. He heard you, he knew you were there, the love was there!
When people ask me if it was hard not being able to say good bye to my Dad since he was killed instantly, at first I wanted to scream YES…but now, 6 years later, i think it would have been infinitely harder. Harder knowing he was going and needing to say goodbye, I don’t think I would have been able to say everything I wanted/needed to say. My heart hurts for you, the love you had/have for him shines through every time you post about your beloved Tony. I still have that snow globe you sent me after my Dad passed and I think of you often for doing that for a stranger. Merry Christmas to you and your family! *Hugs*
I think about you every day so even if I don’t always comment please know that I think you are courageous, honest, inspiring and damn funny too. Tony must be so proud of you because you continue to seize the day even through the inevitable tears. He was lucky to have such a great love and not to be cliche but you were both lucky to have loved even if it was to brief than not to have loved at all. Feel my virtual hug and admiration xxooxx
I cried for you as I read this. Life is so sweet and so terrible. You remind me this morning that every moment is so precious and I want to live in a way that makes the most of every single day. I think you live that way, acknowledging all the ups and downs, but never taking for granted. You’ll be on my mind today. Much respect.
Dear Biz,
I have only been reading your blog for about 18 months, but during that time, I feel I have gotten to know you. Your humor, perseverance, and down-to-earth approach to life speaks to me. I, too, struggle with my weight. I lost 100 pounds about 30 years ago, gradually gained back about 40 of those, and over the last 18 months lost 60. Your recipes inspire me to “keep after it” this time. My real purpose in commenting today is to tell you how much I appreciate today’s post. It brought me to tears, but I so admire your courage in relating and sharing this very personal part of your life. It reminds me to be mindful of the really important things in life and to not get bogged down in the less important hassles that humans go through in daily living. Thank you so much for this!
I’m glad you wrote this off the cuff and let your real self and feelings shine through. Beautiful.
That was beautiful
Oh Biz! When I read your title, I immediately thought of that musical. I can’t even imagine all that you’ve been through, but I’m glad you are in a good place now.
I find it funny that Tony said the same thing about musicals as Rob does! LOL. I did drag him to one (Avenue Q) and he actually loved it. But it was unique enough that he still hasn’t wanted to go any others.
Thinking of you.
The love just shines through, beautiful post. Love and hugs to you honey. xxxooo
Oh Biz…I am blubbering at my computer. I love this post and I love that Rent song…it’s so powerful. You are one strong lady and this was just beautifully written. Take care.
I think you were both lucky to experience such a strong love, even though you were not together into old age. Enjoy the memories, you will carry on and live a different life, maybe even a different love in time, thinking of you, Sue
I think you take the love with you it never truly dies. We still love the people that have passed on truly lovely tribute.
Wow, Biz. Really wonderful to read. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
As a nurse we were always taught that people could hear us long after they could respond. Its so wonderful that you took that time to talk to Tony, and that you had a sign that he had heard you.
I cried reading this post.. God Bless you.. you touch so many by writing your feelings. thank you so much
Beautiful post! Such a good reminder to all of us to recognize the love in our lives and hang on to it. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts and experiences with us. That’s your gift. Peace to you my friend 🙂
Beth, You are strong, resourceful, kind hearted and supportive, just to name a FEW of your good qualities, and this will keep you on to the path you are meant to follow. Hold tight to your memories and may they outweigh the sadness in your heart. ?
Beth – Love & prayers sent your way! Just hang on to the memories. I know you have many great ones. They don’t fill the void of losing a loved one, but they do keep the void from growing.
V.
Great post. I’m getting all teary reading this at work. You are amazing. I know Tony is watching over you and he is proud of you. Even though we’ve never actually met in person you are one of the strongest people I ever met. Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!! Your adventure continues!
I’ve been thinking of you so hard lately and hope you know that! So proud of you for your strength and positive perspective.
It’s definitely hard to believe two years have gone by that quickly. Wonderful post.
Just know you are amazing and I’m tearful as I sit here typing…yes, it’s the love ❤️
What a lovely post! I remember that photo of you holding Tony’s hand. Sweet memories!
Best,
Bonnie