The last post that I wrote before Tony passed away was a mere seven days before he died. I ended that post with this:
“I just wish Tony was home where he belongs, yelling at me from the living room “what smells like ass?!” when I cook spicy food in the kitchen while he’s watching Sunday football. I want my life back. I know it will get there, but I know we have a long road ahead of us. I know Tony will appreciate all the comment on here and on Instagram when he can read them, so thank you to the moon and back for the support these last few weeks.”
When I read that paragraph, the one sentence that jumps out at me is “I want my life back.” As much as used to internally complain about just sitting at home watching t.v. while Tony fell asleep at 7:30 p.m., I would literally go back to that life in a second. I guess the saying is true, you don’t truly know what you miss until it’s gone.
I am really writing this post for me. I’ve been reading my posts from November 2014, mainly because I don’t really remember all the details of that time. In November 2018 I want to look back at November 2016 and remember what I was feeling two years after Tony died, and not that I just ate a flat bread breakfast sandwich. I have to stop thinking about the what ifs, if I should have made different decisions about Tony’s care.
And while I know that life goes on, it feels as if I’ve had one foot permanently in the past like it’s in quicksand and one of these days I need to realize that it’s okay to leave the shoe in the quicksand and pull my foot out and keep walking.
“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside and pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and then make peace with them.” Iyanla Vanzant
The end of this post is very powerful Biz, both your words and the quote from Iyanla. I really admire you for writing about this.
Hugs!
Grief will never go away completely but you will give it a place and it will be a part of your life.
Even 16 years after my father passed away I still sometimes cry but usually these tears are sentimental because I think of him and smile and cry at the same time.
xoxo
Beth, hugs to you and thinking of you. You are an amazing person. I want to be like you when I grow up! !
Is there room for one more virtual hug in here?
Biz-
You have been a part of my life since the very first post I read. It was the perfect Hard Boiled Egg. Your husband was just getting home after his Cancer scare. When I read the title of this blog Post I thought, NO! it can’t be her last post! Phew, I was relieved that it was your grief post. Selfish, I know! Let me tell you the quote I had heard today. “Nobody can get around Grief, One can only go through it. And that my friend is exactly what you have been doing! You are AWESOME!
janis
Iyanla is a bad ass! Sound advice (and I need it too). Thinking of you this month. xoxo
You have a lovely life–but, you know what? It’s OKAY to remember, to be sad, to be angry sometimes. I think it’s perfectly normal and healthy. If you didn’t do that–THEN you have a problem, right? But I do hate to put those Big Girl Panties on sometimes. *sigh*
BIG FAT HAIRY HUGS!
***Hugs*** to you, Biz! What I remember from that time was my admiration of how strong, brave, and persistent you were in caring for Tony. I also remember grieving for you both when I read that he was gone. I know there aren’t any words I can put here that will make it “all better.” You are our friend, and we are behind you and with you.
I don’t know if grief is ever something you’re finished with. It’s always going to be there. Looking to the past and what you could have done differently doesn’t change anything. You can’t take the entire burden of Tony’s care onto your shoulders. There were many people involved in the responsibility of his care and you made decisions based on information from all of them as well.
You do need to live life for you and live it to the fullest for you. Big hugs.
<3 puffy hearts
Oh Biz, I’m sorry you’re still second-guessing. I don’t think you need to do that, but of course it’s easy for me to say. The grieving process is long and hard and maybe it never ends when the person you’re grieving for was so important. But you can still live life even if the grieving is on-going. And you can grieve without second-guessing too. You did what you could at the time; you gave Tony the best life possible and let him die with dignity at home surrounded by love. We should all hope for that. I think you’ve been stepping out of the quicksand for some time and maybe it’s time to leave that shoe of second-guessing behind – it’s too big for your tiny foot anyway;) Hugs & Peace to you at this difficult time. PS. love the VanZant quote – it’s so fitting for many of us.
Great quote, Biz. I am going to hold onto that one for my own reference. Everyone has to go through something extremely difficult in life, losing someone, losing themselves, losing everything and the only thing that we can do is wipe away our tears and get back up and out into the world. Not too long ago, you wrote that life is for the living and though I don’t comment here nearly as much as I should, as I read about your adventures of travel, quitting your job, working at the farmers market, taking a chance on the Chopping Block, and now the next step, I most admired that you were living, that you had decidedly taken a step out of the quicksand and into the rest of your life. May you never lose the ability to hear Tony’s voice say, “What smells like ass?” or your own ability to confidently move on, meet new people, and experience life.
Aw Biz 🙁
It’s hard. My mother died in 2011, and it’s still hard, especially for my step-dad. He’s finally starting to move on and live life again without her. But it’s been a long road.
What a post! You have come such a long way. Never look back and think you didn’t do everything you could. You were amazing! You both did the best you could with the information presented to you. I LOVE the quicksand reference, “it’s okay to leave the shoe in the quicksand and pull my foot out and keep walking.” Yes, it is okay. So give yourself the permission to move on. ((Hugs))
The reason why it’s called a grieving “process” is because it IS a process. There is no timeline, and each person has to handle it in their own way.
As someone watching from the outside, I truly believe you did the best you could under the circumstances you were in. All of us would change things as we look back since hindsight is nearly always 20/20.
I so hope you can find your way out of the quicksand. You are young and have so much life to live fully!
Biz, I know you did the best with what you were given. I think it’s hard to move on, but I don’t think it is about forgetting. It’s about living and if death teaches us anything it should be that we are here to LIVE. You are amazing.
You did all you could do for Tony. You went above and beyond. I remember reading those posts two years ago and feeling so sad for you guys. You should be so proud of the life you have made for yourself. Hang in there!
Beth, when I think of you, the first thing that comes to mind is your great smile. Keep smiling! You are on your way to walking into your new and wonderful future!
<3 sending love your way
No words will make this better, easier or go away…sending hugs and love. Remember that you would never change having had Tony in your life – it just came with a price – the pain in your heart. You know he’s with you and keeping you safe, but it sure ain’t the same. Just know that your love for Tony gets reflected by those who love you. Have a wonderful day of seeing the joy in life, the beauty around you and don’t think about how things might have been, but how sadly different it would be if you had never met the love of your life…
I started writing this but I can’t seem to find the words. You don’t know me, but I feel like I’ve come to know you. I started following your blog just a few months before your husband passed away. I can imagine how cheated you must feel. I think you are a very strong person to have made it as far as you have. I don’t think I would be able to make it through. My grandfather passed away at age 57. My grandmother never remarried, never thought of another man. I grieved for her then and all through the years, I grieved for her loss, very rarely for my own. Thanks for sharing your life, I’m sure that is what has helped you get through it and it will keep on helping you now in these difficult days that come. I so enjoy reading about your adventures! Do keep one foot backward, never let go, but do keep going forward with all your might. I remember when I thought I was going to die with breast cancer, lots of life was being lived around me and I was just in a daze, but I have gone back to relive some of those memories that I lost out on at that time so I can relate to what you are saying in some way. I know it’s easy for a stranger to say on a computer screen but hang in there, life is hard and you aren’t alone even though I’m sure it feels like it. Thanks for sharing your life and your food and helping me get through life and I hope you have a marvelous day!
well said
Sending giant hugs your way Beth???
Hugs.