I know I am only on Day 3 of this intuitive eating thing, but I can’t tell you how free I feel not having to type everything I put in my mouth into a program to see how many calories, how many carbs, how much protein. I’ve been doing this a long time (shit, since I started this blog in 2008!) and I don’t know if it’s because I have more time now to just concentrate on me now that Tony isn’t with me anymore, or what, but I no longer have a “magic” number that I want to scale to be. I want to be strong, not skinny, and I think that’s helping me make better choices because I have to simply have to ask myself if that action will get me stronger – like not waking up in the morning to go walking, or eating the cookies by the coffee machine – and the answer is usually no and I can just continue on this path I am on.
And there in lies the question. What path am I on? I’ve felt kind of lost these last several months (can you believe in a few days Tony will be gone six months already?!) and I was a caretaker for so long and I happily took on that role, but now that I don’t have that anymore, I feel a bit. . . lost. I am still taking my life a day at a time, and I know at some point the answer will hit me on what to do with my life. Until I figure it out, I’ll just continue to ramble – ha!
Breakfast was delicious – scrambled ham, egg whites and spinach on high fiber English muffins with Cabot cheese and fruit on the side.
While it was only 36 degrees when I took my morning walk, but was 55 degrees by lunch time. I just grabbed my phone and left the building and did a quick 45 minute walk. The sun felt glorious on my face! Momma, I did trim my bangs a bit!
I had leftover copycat Portillo salad for lunch, except without the steak, and I have to tell you, it was a lot better with the steak! Still good though – but you know how I feel about my beef!
There were tons of teenage boys at the gym last night – so I had to kind of make up my own strength program based on what was available. One thing I did that was hard as shit were squats against the wall with a balance ball – holy balls my legs were shaking! I did five sets of one minute, and I literally thought my legs were going to fall off after that last minute. Then finished up with 2.5 miles on the treadmill before I could feel my blood sugar starting to drop – it was 79 when I left the gym.
My step-son Joe and I have been talking because he’s doing a Spartan race in a week and a half, although his is EIGHT MILES LONG! Mine is only 3 miles but we were talking that there are a couple things that no amount of training can prepare us for – such as the rope climb and the spear throw.
I am up to 50 pounds on my bench presses, so I think I will be able to do it, but I texted him the other day and said “do you think there will be knots on the rope?” He replied “no, I don’t think so.” Damn. But guess what? I saw this picture on Instagram and I think maybe the women’s races have knots on the rope – I can totally do that!! That’s pretty much what I will look like on my race day – ha! I have no goal but to finish.
I ended up making burgers for dinner with sweet potato and Idaho potatoes on the side. I ditched my bun and put my burger on a bed of baby spinach, and topped it with American cheese, hot giardiniera, dill pickles and a tiny bit of mustard!
So I basically kicked ass on my steps! A part of me was going to walk around my yard to get to 20k, but I said fuck it – close enough!
I am opting to do Classical Stretch today instead of walking outside – the PT said that my hamstring, calf and thigh muscles are still really tight, and need to stretch out more during the week. Make it a great day!
Rockstar, seriously.
Also the tiny bit of mustard made me laugh out loud! 😉
you ARE a caretaker still – caretaker of YOU!!! Congrats on the freedom you feel and confidence with which you are taking care of yourself. I did 2 20+ foot rope climbs today at xfit. Once you get the technique it is easy as pie. You’re going to do great in the spartan race. based on your numbers you are really getting strong my friend!
I can’t imagine what type of shape someone would need to be in to climb a rope without knots. You two are just amazing and crazy for participating. It doesn’t seem like six months. I cannot imagine. You have been doing great and will do well wherever life leads you.
Thanks Kym, I appreciate it – I had a blog reader who had been sick for a while and was offline for a few months – today she emailed me about a diabetes question and asked how Tony was at the end of the email and I almost cried right then and there. Well, hopefully one day my path will lead to meeting you one day!
I think you are doing great considering what you’ve been through! Just keep doing what you’re doing & it will all fall into place as it should.
Rope climb! :-O
Yep, worried about the rope climb, but I told my Mom today, my only goal is to finish – I guess if you can’t do an obstacle, you just drop and do 30 burpees before moving on – maybe I should be practicing those!
I’m sure that this past 6 months has been the most turmoil filled months of your life but you have such an incredible attitude and beautiful smile everyday!!! You inspire me and I’m sure many others!!
Aw, you are so sweet Kim – I appreciate it – hugs!!
You are an inspiration Biz.
I think you’re doing great, all things considered. And it seems like you’re open to whatever path/direction that calls you, which is wonderful. No stress, just try some things out and see if you love them.
I will say the rope is a lot harder than it looks! You start in muddy water (super slippery) and they put it near the end of the race. About half of the women weren’t able to do it. So keep working on strength!!! And if it doesn’t happen burped aren’t so bad 🙂
You are sort of going through what many people do when their kids leave home. You had a certain “job” or purpose and it’s over – now what? But believe me, your new path will make itself clear – it just takes time. And there is not one thing wrong with you just concentrating on you for good long while!
SNS – love that motto!
YES! Strong!!! I cannot believe its been six months. I’m glad you like mustard as much as I do (insert twenty thumbs up signs). Have a good one!!
I think you are doing great Biz, you didn’t sit down in a corner and cry all day. No instead you picked your life up, kept working out and see friends and family. There are so many who wouldn’t do that after such a great loss.
I think you should do something for you now, a new hobby or volunteer or whatever, you’ll figure it out what you want to do. Until you know, keep doing what you do because you do it great.
Have a great Wednesday sweety.
Biz, I know one day you will find a silver lining to Tony’s death. You are too inspiring for that not to happen. I know it isn’t the same but when my mother died I was very lost and I began to re-evaluate my life. My now husband’s father died around the same time and although we already sort of knew each other we started talking and both having lost a parent really bonded us. Before my mom died, I never would have dated a man like my husband, he was too nice and I thought I needed an “edge” in a man. But he is my silver lining to losing my mom so young. Hang in there, you are doing great.